The 'throw'.

My apartment complex's parking lot was the scene to a lot of our bouts. Before you jump to any conclusions, I never hit her. However, there were 8-10 times I probably should have. This is one of them.





It was the day before my mom’s birthday and I usually make her a pie as a cheap present. I was 17 at the time and I made decent money at my full-time job, but she still wanted my world famous cheesecake (yes, world famous). After spending the day with my girlfriend, I told her I needed to make a stop at the local supermarket to pick up my baking supplies. This was sometime in the middle of the day. I know because I remember the sun was still shining and I was still smiling.

If she had a problem with me ending our day short, common sense would have told her to bring up the issue before driving me back to my place. This girl obviously lacked common sense. I learned this on many occasions, but it smacked me in the face this particular day.

She drove me home just as I had asked and we parked unusually far from my actual apartment. I started to see where this was going. We had the usual argument of how I don’t love her enough and I never want to spend time with her and what have you. Real edge-of-your-seat-type stuff. The adventure always starts when I turn to leave. Apparently it was always better to stay in yell rather than just walk away. Who knew?

"Don’t you dare get out of my car!!!" (Yes, three exclamation points)

I've been kicked out of a car before, but I've never been commanded to stay in one. I dwarfed her by over a foot and out weighed her by at least sixty pounds, so I just laughed at her and opened the door. She started pulling at me and grabbing me and yelling at me like she ain't had no sense. The only things we were missing were a home on wheels, a trucker hat, and a kiddie pool to have an all out trailer brawl. I brushed her off and proceeded to head towards my apartment a little bewildered. I made it as far as halfway before her size 5 feet ran up behind me and jumped on my back. I would not make a good quarterback.

"You can't walk away from me! You can't walk away from MEEEEEE!!!"

In my right hand I had a bag full of groceries. In my left hand I had my key. On my back I had a five-foot troll (a hot troll mind you) to whom I was giving an unwelcome piggy back ride. My knee jerk reaction was to elbow her in her pretty little face and be on my way, but since she was not a man, I flung her off my back with my off-hand. I may be exaggerating, but she flew, like, ten feet away into my apartment mini-lawn. It was some Matrix-type shit.

She laid there fairly still for a minute or so before I told her to stop playing dead and get up. I was a little pissed. She moved a little after that, trying to over-dramaticize the whole event. I really would have loved to leave her there to teach her a lesson, but the genius in me realized the consequences of abandoning her (one of which was a break up that I, for whatever reason, didn’t want) such as some fake assault charges or a lawsuit or something. I ended up carrying her inside to treat her just in case she had a concussion and prevent her from doing something stupid like stripping naked again.

I fetched her something to drink and a few aspirin and so on to get her well enough to go home, constantly yelling at her not to go to sleep and drink her water. I guess you can say I was pissed, but I still cared. It's one of my few flaws.

My mom gave me some help. I think the girlfriend was a little embarassed by that; seeing as my mom would be the first person (but not the last) that has seen us fight. My mother was amazed at the level of drama my relationship had and she never looked at her the same after that. Neither did I really. We dated another year and a half or so. Yeah, I wasn't smart.

"My friend from work has spent everyday with her boyfriend since they've been together, and they're doing great. I don't see why we can't do that."

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Get a life, dude. Everyone has problems. If we all wanted to complain about our woman problems, the world wide web would explode into itself. Stop with the blabbering and find some new man cock.

A said...

Um, yeah.....

Anonymous said...

You sound like a jackass who neglected his hot freak nasty girlfriend. You just didn't know how to handle your freak nasty girlfriend and you blew it.. just admit it.

AMO said...

you'll love this http://scherle.com/psychoexgirlfriend/voicemails.html
I came across your blog and its killing me. That story, well written and really funny. And did that ass clown really say get a life? Ass clown is the one who left comments, TWICE. Its probably you're ex.

Anonymous said...

my husband and i married may 2007, we were so stupid and so young! only 3 months after marrying, we went 'on a break' and he wanted to end it for good, i went mental and threatened to kill myself. we got back together a few months later and things went on as normal. we had a few rows about him always being out with his friends and he said i needed to get a life and some friends of my own, and i'd always moan how he was draining me of all my money cuz he refused to get a job, and i'd flip if he so much as looked at another girl cuz he cheated on me before we were married. and it was getting a bit better until he left me a note the other day saying "i don't want to be with you. i just cant deal with you anymore, you need mental help. i'm sorry". it works both ways though, i said i wouldnt have ended up like this if he hadnt of cheated on me in the first place and made me so insecure and if he went out and got a job!!

Remy said...

~shakes her head~ Don't listen to this guy. Yeah, everyone has their problems in their relationships, but what your ex did in this post is assault. Totally violent and out of control. You should never have to suffer through a girlfriend like that. Love the site, btw. ;) ♥

Anonymous said...

You are me. I am you. This shit is blowing my mind. Holy shit

Anonymous said...

Omfg!!!! dude I feel your pain!! I just went through same crazy psycho chick trauma!! and I think the only reason we stick around so long with these crazy psycho chicks, is because as men we wanna fix shit... but sometimes shit's so broke you cant and you wont fix it! awesome website, been laughing my ass off the whole read!! so fucking true.. I am you and you and you (other post) are me!! same fucking situations!! its like some one is assembling these psycho chicks in some factory with the same defective brain pieces.

Anonymous said...

I would just like to reiterate the "I am you. You are me." comment. Because this post perfectly captured about 25 of my nights over the past 2 years.

Anonymous said...

To the dick heads who said he couldn't handle the freaky hot chick. This isn't freaky hot. This is a girl with abandonment issues and a control freak. Nothing like a girl who won't let you be. I bet she got pissed if you hung out with other friends.

Anonymous said...

This is the best blog I've ever stumbled upon... Is her name Morgan? If so, she's called me 273 times since 4:58 am this morning!

Anonymous said...

Arian Cordell is a phsyco whore. She stalks my best friend on Facebook and stalks his apartment. We can't hangout without her popping up. When they were together, she was so controlling that he got rid of his cell phone because he couldnt take it anymore. I have tried to set him up with other girls but this chick will slash the new girls tires or leave notes and scare them away. He is my best bro and I got to get the word out somehow.

Anonymous said...

Wtf did u do for all this craziness? I actually reading into how to be psycho because my bf well now ex keeps refusing to come home when he can get off work. But he has driven me bonkers. I'm tempted to male him lose his job. Drive his baby momma crazy and tear all his clothes up because he's stingy and selfish and lives with me and works non stop but I never see him but 4 days a month. There's no point